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: you applied your own tourniquet. >> yes. >> jon: and stayed in command of... wow. i mean, i'm honestly speechless. it's a remarkable story, and the one thing, as remarkable as the heroism in that is, is your remarkable heroism and your brothers and all the service people, as extraordinary as your acts were, what's really extraordinary is your ordinary service, the six tours in afghanistan and the two tours in iraq and all that you've done without commendation. i'm so pleased and honored that you would here today. i just wanted to thank you personally for not just your heroism but just your service, which is extraordinary in and of itself. i thank you so much for being here. do you have a couple minutes? we'll talk a little bit. we're going to throw it up on the web, the second part. we're going to stay here. it's just an honor to see you, sir. sergeant first class leroy petry. we're going to you could save a bundle with geico's multi-policy discount. geico, saving people money on more than just car insurance. ♪ geico, saving people money on more than just ca
: you applied your own tourniquet. >> yes. >> jon: and stayed in command of... wow. i mean, i'm honestly speechless. it's a remarkable story, and the one thing, as remarkable as the heroism in that is, is your remarkable heroism and your brothers and all the service people, as extraordinary as your acts were, what's really extraordinary is your ordinary service, the six tours in afghanistan and the two tours in iraq and all that you've done without commendation. i'm so pleased and...
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[laughter] >> jon: really? >> i don't make the rules, jon. jon >> jon: look. if even that guy raised taxes, doesn't that at least challenge the current republican belief system? >> cynics like you are always looking for doctrinal contradictions. >> jon: the rich now have way more wealth and income even since the 80s. republicans think tax cuts raise revenue, why not cut taxes to zero. >> jon, let me tell you parable. a holy man was in the desert and the multitudes came and said, we have no food. he said, here are five loaves and two fishes and so it was that the holy man and one of his friends sat down and ate a [bleeped] load of fish sandwiches. [laughter] >> jon: what about... [applause] what about the multitudes? >> what about 'em? are you suggesting that socialist redistribution of fish and bread? why punish the most successful fisherman? >> jon: look, i don't thi i understand this parable's message. how do the multitudes eat? >> that's not the holy man's problem. am i my brother's keeper? >> jon: that's a biblical saying. cain said that when he's trying t
[laughter] >> jon: really? >> i don't make the rules, jon. jon >> jon: look. if even that guy raised taxes, doesn't that at least challenge the current republican belief system? >> cynics like you are always looking for doctrinal contradictions. >> jon: the rich now have way more wealth and income even since the 80s. republicans think tax cuts raise revenue, why not cut taxes to zero. >> jon, let me tell you parable. a holy man was in the desert and the...
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wow. >> no, no. >> jon: wow! >> no. >> jon: i needed that. i needed that. >> you're welcome. >> jon: thank you. >> you're welcome. >> jon: though that was a little harder than in rehearsal and it was more on the eye than i thought it was going to be. >> i don't believe in half measures and i don't know how to fake slap anyway. >> jon: that's going to leave a mark. just because this guy runs a therapy practice that perpetrates a terrible so shiite al crime on gay people itç doesn't mean i should give. in we talked about in this group, jon. comedy is a choice. you weren't born this way. >> jon: i know. i know that. >> you understand? >> jon: i do know that. >> you can resist it. you must resist it. >> jon: it's so hard jerry. >> instead of going for the cheap gay joke try watching the footage. make astute observations. he's a big man. he is dancing. what kind of dance is he doing? >> jon: it's called the the shag. that's a funny name. he has a funny name. >> jon: marcus bachmann y is that funny? >> bachmann? is that a classical music superher
wow. >> no, no. >> jon: wow! >> no. >> jon: i needed that. i needed that. >> you're welcome. >> jon: thank you. >> you're welcome. >> jon: though that was a little harder than in rehearsal and it was more on the eye than i thought it was going to be. >> i don't believe in half measures and i don't know how to fake slap anyway. >> jon: that's going to leave a mark. just because this guy runs a therapy practice that perpetrates a...
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[laughter] >> jon: all right. i just popped in here. i'm not exactly sure what the story is going on here, all the hubbub about the migraines and anything, but did i miss a larger previous issue or michele bachmann came out in favor of slavery? but, of course, my favorite, favorite one happened in the heat of a conversation. see if you can catch the statement of clarification that probably won't do fox news psychaiatrist and part-time lex luther impersonator keith ablow any good. >> i'm not sure if you see a little girl as her breasts being sexual that that doesn't reflect more on you. >> i assure you i'm not a pedophile at all. >> jon: at all. nailed it. we'll be right back. [ male announcer ] introducing mgd 64 lemonade. 64 calories of beer with a refreshing lemonade twist. because the best kind of lemonade, is beer lemonade. new mgd 64 lemonade. refreshingly light. >> jon: welcome back my guest tonight, he's a writer. his new book is called the president and the as assassin: mckinley empire at the dawn of the century." please welcome
[laughter] >> jon: all right. i just popped in here. i'm not exactly sure what the story is going on here, all the hubbub about the migraines and anything, but did i miss a larger previous issue or michele bachmann came out in favor of slavery? but, of course, my favorite, favorite one happened in the heat of a conversation. see if you can catch the statement of clarification that probably won't do fox news psychaiatrist and part-time lex luther impersonator keith ablow any good. >>...
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>> jon: that's our show. join us next week at 11:00. here it, is your moment of zen. >> this is the last time that there's ever going to be harry potter film premier. it's like the end of an era. >> oh, my gosh, i'm so >> stephen: tonight, will a scandal bring down rupert murdoch? no. then a new threat from gitmo detainees. if they get any more dangerous, we might have to charge them with something. and my guest is jose antonio vargas, who recently admitted being an illegal immigrant. my original guest was the american whose job he stole. who has two thumbs and is incredibly bad at gesturing at himself? this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme song playing] [cheering and applause] >> stephen: thank you for joining us, everybody. [audience chanting "stephen"] oh, that's nice. thank you for joining us. you know, once these people... once these people start chanting my name, you can't stop them. [laughter] folks, i want to say hello to everybody watching in america, especially to our viewers in italy. wel
>> jon: that's our show. join us next week at 11:00. here it, is your moment of zen. >> this is the last time that there's ever going to be harry potter film premier. it's like the end of an era. >> oh, my gosh, i'm so >> stephen: tonight, will a scandal bring down rupert murdoch? no. then a new threat from gitmo detainees. if they get any more dangerous, we might have to charge them with something. and my guest is jose antonio vargas, who recently admitted being an...
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>> i'm jon huntsman, and i'm running for president of the united states. we're not just choosing new we're not just choosing new leaders. we're choosing whether we are to be yesterday's story or tomorrow's. >> stephen: of course jon huntsman intends to be tomorrow's story. because for him, yesterday's story is, "hey, i work for barack obama." [laughter] and then huntsman perfectly described true americans. >> people secure in their rights and in love with their liberty. >> stephen: yes, i'm passionately in love with my liberty! i'd say i lust for it. [laughter] we have a very vigorous physical relationship. liberty and i. sometimes we role play. she dresses up as socialism and i spank her with a rolled-up constitution. [laughter] and even though she doesn't always reach happiness, she's assured me that just pursuing it is good enough. [laughter] [cheers and applause] so i like him. only problem is, huntsman has a face and a name. and right now, obama leads all specific republican candidates in the polls, even beating the romney. thankfully, the republicans
>> i'm jon huntsman, and i'm running for president of the united states. we're not just choosing new we're not just choosing new leaders. we're choosing whether we are to be yesterday's story or tomorrow's. >> stephen: of course jon huntsman intends to be tomorrow's story. because for him, yesterday's story is, "hey, i work for barack obama." [laughter] and then huntsman perfectly described true americans. >> people secure in their rights and in love with their...
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>> jon: that's our show. here it is, your moment of zen. ♪ ♪ captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight the fcc rules about whether i can talk about my pac on the air. spoilary all right, i'm talking about my pac on the air. then, can we trust pakistan to find out i'll close my eyes and fall into their arms. (laughter) >> stephen: and my guest timothy garton ash believes reporting the facts can change the course of history. then again, so can wikipedia. a french couple has adopted a 265 pound gor la. and in tomorrow's news, a french couple is malled by newly orphanned gor la. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody! thank you for joining us. thank you, everybody. stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: beautiful, thank you so much, everybody. you're too kind. (cheers and applause) >> stephe
>> jon: that's our show. here it is, your moment of zen. ♪ ♪ captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight the fcc rules about whether i can talk about my pac on the air. spoilary all right, i'm talking about my pac on the air. then, can we trust pakistan to find out i'll close my eyes and fall into their arms. (laughter) >> stephen: and my guest timothy garton ash believes reporting the facts can change...
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( cheers and applause ) >> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night i believe at 11:00. luis c.k.will be in the studio with us. unfortunately you people will not. here it is your moment of zen. >> found a place to cool off. >> surfing the seal river. check that out. have you ever seen anything like that? >> new york city plans to feed geese to the homeless. the city will actually send the birds captured around its airports to pennsylvania to a >> stephen: tonight the fcc rules about whether i can talk about my pac on the air. spoilary all right, i'm talking about my pac on the air. then, can we trust pakistan to find out i'll close my eyes and fall into their arms. (laughter) >> stephen: and my guest timothy garton ash believes reporting the facts can change the course of history. then again, so can wikipedia. a french couple has adopted a 265 pound gor la. and in tomorrow's news, a french couple is malled by newly orphanned gor la. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to t
( cheers and applause ) >> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night i believe at 11:00. luis c.k.will be in the studio with us. unfortunately you people will not. here it is your moment of zen. >> found a place to cool off. >> surfing the seal river. check that out. have you ever seen anything like that? >> new york city plans to feed geese to the homeless. the city will actually send the birds captured around its airports to pennsylvania to a >> stephen:...
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>> jon: that's our show. join us next week at 11:00. so there you have it. finally. stop with the letters and the cards and the e-mails. we had the mckinley guy on. done. [cheering and applause] here it is, your moment of zen. >> honest to god, my favorite no peanut butter. stracaptioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> tonight, should students be taught gay history? only if they're teaching that gay is history. [laughter] then a controversy at the "today show." the cooking segment got out of control and they ate matt lauer. and my guest will discuss his book "incognito: the secret lives of the brain." if i find out my brain has been seeing another skull, i will be pissed. you say potato, i say who are you and why are you saying "potato" to me? this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme song playing] [cheering and applause] [awed -- audience chanting "stephen"] >> stephen: welcome to "the report." thank you. thank you. welcome to "the report." ladies and gentlemen, thank you for j
>> jon: that's our show. join us next week at 11:00. so there you have it. finally. stop with the letters and the cards and the e-mails. we had the mckinley guy on. done. [cheering and applause] here it is, your moment of zen. >> honest to god, my favorite no peanut butter. stracaptioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> tonight, should students be taught gay history? only if they're teaching that gay is history. [laughter]...
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. >> stephen: jon stewart. (laughter) he's really funny. he's really funny. let me ask you, political writing from a decade without a name this past decade, you mean. >> it's a weird decade which in a way begins with 9/11 and i think ends on the fourth of november 2008 when barack obama was elected president. and i think the very different agenda comes because obama's election comes with a financial and economic crisis. and suddenly that whole narrative which is that we're living through the fourth world war, that world history for the next 20, 30 years will is all going to be about the battle with islamist terrorism t doesn't seem to be quite like that any more. >> stephen: what is the battle? where is the fourth world war? >> i'm not sure. let's hope there isn't the fourth world war but what i do think, i have an account in this book of a very extraordinary meeting with george w bush in the early summer of 2001. don't look like that. >> stephen: hi an extraordinary meeting with him too once. but go ahead. >> i want to hear about that. >> stephen: yes. >> bu
. >> stephen: jon stewart. (laughter) he's really funny. he's really funny. let me ask you, political writing from a decade without a name this past decade, you mean. >> it's a weird decade which in a way begins with 9/11 and i think ends on the fourth of november 2008 when barack obama was elected president. and i think the very different agenda comes because obama's election comes with a financial and economic crisis. and suddenly that whole narrative which is that we're living...
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. >> jon: that's our show. tomorrow night at 11:00, steve carell will be here. here is your moment of zen. >> i'm hanging around with my captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the "report," everybody! change for joining us. (crowd chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) nicely done. nicely done. yes. thank you so much. welcome to the "report," everybody. thank you for joining us. thank you in here; out there. and, folks, this crawl down here is my way of thanking these heroes for donating to my super pac. each and every one of them is as precious to me as one of my children who has given money to me. (laughter) folks, this year colbert nation is going to be a player in the election. now, i'm on record as saying i think newt gingrich is the guy. (laughter) but i think i may have to eat a little crow. or whatever it is that newt's been eating. (laughter) i'm going to say oreo cakesters. (laughter) the former speaker of the house announced his candidacy back in may and he hasn't been seen much si
. >> jon: that's our show. tomorrow night at 11:00, steve carell will be here. here is your moment of zen. >> i'm hanging around with my captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the "report," everybody! change for joining us. (crowd chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) nicely done. nicely done. yes. thank you so much. welcome to the "report," everybody. thank you for joining...